Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created ice cream and doughnuts. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said "Yes!" and Woman said, "I'll have another with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetable and olive oil in which to lightly saute the wholesome vegetables."
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut shrimp, chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter and chocolate cheesecake for dessert. And Man's glucose levels spiked through the roof.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God brought forth lean meat so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger, and said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
::7/25/2006 11:58:00 AM [+]
Islam above all
"Islam isn't in America to be equal to any other faith, but to become dominant...The Koran, the Muslim book of scripture, should be the highest authority in America, and Islam the only accepted religion on Earth."
::7/25/2006 11:47:00 AM [+]
Rules for Writerers
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
::7/25/2006 09:28:00 AM [+]
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
::7/24/2006 12:56:00 PM [+]
How NOT to get a job
Allegedly this is from a federal law clerk who Vinson & Elkins declined to hire. He sent the below e-mail asking V&E to reconsider him for a position. In particular the second-to-last paragraph is my favorite. I believe all law school classes have at least one member like this:
::7/07/2006 02:25:00 PM [+]
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said;
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
::7/06/2006 11:23:00 AM [+]
If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.
The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed inthe U.S. Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S. should immediately pull out of Washington.
::7/05/2006 11:19:00 AM [+]
Getting your medicine
"The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose mylicense! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CAN'T have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
::7/02/2006 09:37:00 AM [+]
Facts of Life
An 8-year-old girl went outside to find her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
::7/01/2006 09:36:00 AM [+]
The Marine PoemThis is a poem sent from a Marine to his Dad.
For those who take the time to read it, you'll see a letter from him to his Dad at the bottom. It makes you truly thankful for not only the Marines, but ALL of our troops.
We all came together,
Both young and old
To fight for our freedom,
To stand and be bold.
In the midst of all evil,
We stand our ground,
And we protect our country
From all terror around.
Peace and not war,
Is what some people say.
But I'll give my life,
So you can live the American way.
I give you the right
To talk of your peace.
To stand in your groups,
and protest in our streets.
But still I fight on,
I don't bitch, I don't whine.
I'm just one of the people
Who is doing your time.
I'm harder than nails,
Stronger than any machine. I'm the immortal soldier,
I'm a U.S. MARINE!
So stand in my shoes,
And leave from your home.
Fight for the people who hate you,
With the protests they've shown.
Fight for the stranger,
Fight for the young.
So they all may have,
The greatest freedom you've won.
Fight for the sick,
Fight for the poor
Fight for the cripple,
Who lives next door.
But when your time comes,
Do what I've done.
For if you stand up for freedom,
You'll stand when the fight's done.
By: Corporal Aaron M. Gilbert, US Marine Corps
USS SAIPAN, PERSIAN GULF
March 23, 2003
Please let this marine (and all our military) know we care by passing his poem onto your friends even if you don't usually take time to forward mail..do it this time!
If this touched you as much as it touched me, please forward it on. Let's help Aaron's dad spread the word ...
FREEDOM isn't FREE. Someone pays for you and me.
::6/26/2006 03:44:00 PM [+]
Misbehaving in Class
She sighed, "That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."
::6/17/2006 07:31:00 PM [+]
Later, other people remarked, "Shame on you old man! You should not make that little boy walk while you ride." Upon hearing this, they decided that both would walk.
Soon more people commented, "How stupid you are to walk when there was a decent donkey to ride."
With both riding the donkey, fellow travelers shamed them by saying, "How awful of you to put such a load on that poor creature!"
Thinking that they could be correct, the boy and the man decide to carry the donkey.
As they were crossing a bridge, the old man and little boy lost their grip. The donkey fell into the river and drowned.
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye
::6/15/2006 07:21:00 PM [+]
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
::6/12/2006 01:33:00 PM [+]
This is a major breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
::6/11/2006 10:29:00 PM [+]
Spies Like Us
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:
"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now... Speak Spanish."
::6/09/2006 03:53:00 PM [+]
Rock Paper Scissors
Always planning this judge.
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT MIDDLE DISTRICT OF FLORIDA ORLANDO DIVISION
::6/08/2006 11:42:00 AM [+]
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three"?
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six"?
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten"?
"A jack," says the little boy.
::6/07/2006 10:52:00 PM [+]
Message for the Manager
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"
::6/03/2006 11:46:00 AM [+]
Information for Catholics
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas
There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. As they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he is known as.......The Chip Monk!
::6/02/2006 11:38:00 AM [+]
He examined the bill closelyl, then reached in the drawer and pull out her change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount and then said "Have a great day!"
Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill. "I'm sorry, sir. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.
"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.
"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."
::6/01/2006 11:33:00 AM [+]
Room for All But Just One Flag
"The one absolutely certain way of bringing this nation to ruin, or preventing all possibility of its continuing as a nation at all, would be to permit it to become a tangle of squabbling nationalities." - Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
::3/31/2006 10:01:00 AM [+]
Hallmark's Castoffspublished an article yesterday listing some of Hallmark's "Castoff" cards that didn't make the cut.
While definately not mainstream, as Hallmark requires, still pretty funny.
FRONT: "Spread some holiday cheer."
INSIDE: "Or drink alone. Who am I to judge?"
FRONT: "Christmas just wouldn't be the same without peanut brittle."
INSIDE: "Or Jesus."
FRONT: ''My ex-girlfriend had a cat named Love because she said that's what it gave her.''
INSIDE: ''So I called it Bloody Forearms. Hope no one gets you a cat for your birthday.''
Wedding and engagement greetings
FRONT: ''Did I hear wedding bells?''
INSIDE: ''Or was that the natural disaster siren? Sometimes I get them confused. Whatever it was, it was loud. Congratulations ... or take cover!''
FRONT: ''Marriage is a bond that is unbreakable except by two-thirds of the population.''
INSIDE: ''But it's you top-third couples that give the rest of us hope.''
Get well cards
FRONT: (Big smiley face)
INSIDE: "Hi! Welcome back from your coma!"
FRONT: ''When I think of you, Mom, I swell with pride.''
INSIDE: ''At least I hope it's pride. Otherwise, I'm pregnant again.''
::3/29/2006 07:36:00 AM [+]
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud
of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.
::3/28/2006 10:54:00 AM [+]
For the Boobiesbuddy of mine in this important cause.
So, PLEASE to my buddy's pledge page and give a little. After all, it's for the BOOBIES!
::3/02/2006 04:11:00 PM [+]
Left and Right Difference
Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right...
::3/02/2006 03:55:00 PM [+]
Bumpersticker of the Year
than get a ride from Ted Kennedy.
::2/24/2006 10:27:00 AM [+]
Reaping what you sew
While Ms. Abdala has every right to turn to a position she finds pays too little, 1.) you don't want to burn bridges and 2.) If you can't get along with another defense attorney, just WAIT until you have to deal with a prosecutor!
::2/21/2006 02:30:00 PM [+]
RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! JUST SAY IT!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing" we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!
1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. The next time you're tempted to say, "Men just don't get it", consider this: After seeing what it does to women, who would want it?
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
::2/09/2006 01:46:00 PM [+]
Outrage Over Flagraising
March 3rd, 1945
IWO JIMA (Routers) Controversy has erupted among the press corps in the last
few days as news has spread that the now-famous picture of the "victorious"
flag raising over Iwo Jima a couple weeks ago was staged. Many believe that, as
the huge number of casualties mounted in the ill-fated and pointless invasion
of this tiny island, the Roosevelt administration, desperate for a bit of pro-
war propaganda, arranged to have the photo taken for dissemination to the
world's news services.
It has been revealed that the picture was actually of a "recreation" of an
earlier flag raising of a much smaller flag, though even that event has now
been cast into doubt by the apparent attempt to mislead the press.
There is abundant evidence that the picture was not only unspontaneous, but
orchestrated on orders from higher ups.
"None of the men in the picture actually carried the flag to the top," one
reporter noted. "It was brought up by a lieutenant in charge, probably at White
House orders." In addition, none of the men in the picture had even been
injured in the fighting to that point.
The latest propaganda ploy from the administration comes in the midst of doubts
about the war strategy, with many thinking this latest bloody adventure
particularly misguided. Several thousand Marines have died already in the
invasion, and many more have been injured, many losing limbs. Moreover, despite
the "victory" implied by the "flag raising," the brave Japanese continue to
resist in caves dug deep into the volcanic rock of the doughty little island,
with continuing "Allied" casualties. One Republican staffer on the Hill
declared that it was Roosevelt's attempt to prematurely declare "major combat
operations over," when it was clear that the Japanese were going to continue to
fight on to the last man.
Beyond the distaste at what now seems an obvious public-relations ploy, some
military strategists argue that the Iwo Jima invasion wasn't worth the cost in
resources and blood, or even necessary at all, since the only reason the island
is desired is as an auxiliary air base for emergency landings of "Allied"
bombers attacking the Japanese homeland.
Some of the anti-war groups are particularly outraged. "We've killed tens of
thousands of Japanese soldiers, and several thousand of our own, just so we can
save the lives of a few American air crews while they kill hundreds of
thousands of helpless Japanese civilians," read a press release from one of the
more prominent groups. It continued, "Now we find the Roosevelt administration
attempting to cover up its criminal actions by staging events meant to hide the
fact that we're losing this cruel war, with massive casualties on all sides."
The White House, of course, attempts to defend its actions. A spokesman points
out that no claims have been made that fighting was over, and that the photo
was a depiction of a real event that had occurred shortly before, but not been
captured by the cameras. He also noted that Mount Suribachi was in fact taken
that day, and had not been relinquished since.
This does not satisfy critics in the press or the anti-war movement, however.
"It's important to demonstrate the perfidy and mendacity of this administration
now," said one leading spokesman, "before it becomes fixed in the mind of the
public as an American 'victory,' or something to be admired and emulated in the
future. If we don't set the record straight now, who knows how history will
record it? For all we know, they'll decide to put up a bronze statue in
Arlington to commemorate it, or something."
::11/04/2005 11:41:00 AM [+]
Getting a Head
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left...then to the right...right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
::6/29/2005 10:45:00 AM [+]
A Little Perspective
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
The 10 Commandments: 179 words
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
The Constitution of the United States: 4,428 words
U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words
::6/28/2005 10:39:00 AM [+]
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic : None
Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans don't believe in change.
What's a light bulb?
::6/27/2005 09:33:00 PM [+]
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!!! They only want to see you naked.
Boy do I wish I'd gotten this yesterday message yesterday.�I feel so stupid now.
::6/24/2005 02:30:00 PM [+]
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented by Man to get to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what became known as the "Conservative Movement".
Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the "Liberal Movement." Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girlie men."
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide up the meat and the beer that the conservatives were providing.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting, revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are liberals. Liberals also invented the Designated Hitter Rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer & eat red meat and potatoes. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside of government. Conservatives who own companies employ other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little, or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
. . . this ends today's History lesson . . .
::6/16/2005 08:01:00 AM [+]
BIBLE SCHOOL ANSWERS
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLDSO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY
::6/13/2005 11:42:00 AM [+]
Great Combo HD Deals
OK, I'll start off with something exciting. I've just got Mrs. Jackhole a new Dell computer from one of their special offers on DELL computers, but we need to (translation: I need to) get an exteral HD to help with the data transfer from the old computer to the new. Of course, a combo Fireware and USB with autoback up is a must.
So, after a bit of searching I found a few incredible deals.
First, for only $109.99 after rebate there's a:
IO Gear 160Gig Combo HD
Or if that's not enough HD for you, then supersize it for only $164.99 after rebate and get the:
IO Gear 250Gig Combo HD
Of course, there's some of us out there that JUST have have even more storage space then for less than $250 (and free shipping) (along with the OneTouch II) you can get:
Maxtor 200Gig Combo OneTouch II HD
Now while you're at it you should check out the killer deal on a 1 Gigabyte flash memory stick for only $49.99 (after rebate) of:
Memorex - 1GB Travel Drive USB 2.0
::5/12/2005 07:16:00 PM [+]
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Please read more about the "history of teaching math":
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2005
El hachero vende un camion c! arga por $100.
La cuesta de production es.............
::1/20/2005 02:47:00 PM [+]
Sex as a weaponThe Hearld Sun, the U.S. military is supposedly worked on the idea of a "sex bomb" that would make enemy soldiers irresistible to each other.
Alleged declassified documents, New Scientist magazine, reveal the Pentagon toyed with the idea of an aphrodisiac chemical weapon in 1994.
The gas would have made enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. The weapon's developers said homosexual behaviour among troops would deal a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale.
Of course the chemical composition is still confidential, although my bet is on vaporized Zima.
::1/14/2005 11:32:00 AM [+]
The first time I saw combat, it was intense, but fast. I mean the actual events were a blur in my mind. I vaguely remember what I did beyond taking cover behind a tree up on the small ridge before the command to fire was given, but I do remember my training and instincts kicking in. Plus the ringing in my ears was distinct. Maybe it was because we always wore ear protection when we did practice shoots, but my hearing was a bit messed up right afterwards.
::1/13/2005 02:00:00 PM [+]
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." ---Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." --- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France; and..."As far as France is concerned, they're right." --- Rush Limbaugh
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of Irish whiskey I don't know." --- P. J. O'Rourke (1989)
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." --- John McCain, U. S. Senator from Arizona
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --- Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --- David Letterman
French Army tanks have five gears: four in reverse, and one forwards, in
case the enemy attacks from the rear.
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.
Seen on Ebay: French army rifle for sale. Never fired, dropped once
::12/29/2004 10:53:00 AM [+]
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Give me a sense of humour,
Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
::12/27/2004 09:42:00 AM [+]
Media and the Marine
Zarqawi said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." Zarqawi nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song 'O Canada' one last time." Zarqawi nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.
Zarqawi turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the rear," said the Marine.
"What?" asked Zarqawi. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the rear," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the rear.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled out a 9mm pistol hidden in his cammies, and shot Zarqawi dead.
In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the remaining terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, they were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather and Jennings, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the rear?"
"What," replied the Marine, "and have you jackasses call me the aggressor?"
::12/15/2004 09:59:00 AM [+]
For the rest:
2.718281828459045 = e
r^2 = rr
(1/y)^-1 = y
Force/acceleration = mass
Therefore, upon substitution, one gets
M e rr y X mass or Merry Christmas!
::12/10/2004 01:38:00 PM [+]
North Pole Downsizing
To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).
We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.
As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
::12/02/2004 01:56:00 PM [+]
Not the winning bidder on this item...
::11/27/2004 10:31:00 PM [+]
This great nation of ours all started with the Pilgrims back on December 16, 1640 by their landing at Plymouth Rock.
It is truly amazing that with the help of the Native Americans, a lot of perseverance by the Pilgrims, and a whole lot of fervent prayer, not only did the Pilgrims survive, but they started the colonies, marking the start of the most amazing nation in the world. But let's not forget the true thankfulness of the pilgrims.
On June 20, 1676, the governing council of Charlestown, Massachusetts, held a meeting to determine how best to express thanks for the good fortune that had seen their community securely established. By unanimous vote they instructed Edward Rawson, the clerk, to proclaim June 29 as a day of thanksgiving, our first. That proclamation is reproduced here in the same language and spelling as the original.
The Holy God having by a long and Continual Series of his Afflictive dispensations in and by the present Warr with the Heathen Natives of this land, written and brought to pass bitter things against his own Covenant people in this wilderness, yet so that we evidently discern that in the midst of his judgements he hath remembered mercy, having remembered his Footstool in the day of his sore displeasure against us for our sins, with many singular Intimations of his Fatherly Compassion, and regard; reserving many of our Towns from Desolation Threatened, and attempted by the Enemy, and giving us especially of late with many of our Confederates many signal Advantages against them, without such Disadvantage to ourselves as formerly we have been sensible of, if it be the Lord's mercy that we are not consumed, It certainly bespeaks our positive Thankfulness, when our Enemies are in any measure disappointed or destroyed; and fearing the Lord should take notice under so many Intimations of his returning mercy, we should be found an Insensible people, as not standing before Him with Thanksgiving, as well as lading him with our Complaints in the time of pressing Afflictions:
::11/24/2004 11:57:00 AM [+]
Of course, this story ignited a firestorm of reader mail (no pun intended). I'm sure someone will propose a law soon.
::11/22/2004 02:04:00 PM [+]
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
::11/19/2004 11:02:00 AM [+]
CrackAHJackhole's love of his life purchased tickets to the Def Poetry Jam. Surprisingly it wasn't about some illiterate, hard-of-hearing poets. It was better than I had thought even though the lesbian poet wasn't exactly the type of lesbian that you'd fantasize about. So besides being one of the few crackers there, it wasn't bad.
However, on the way out a couple dudes stopped us and asked me;
"Hey cracker, what are you doing here?"
"Excuse me sir. Only my cracker brothers can call me 'cracker.' For example, when driving around with my homies listening to NPR and one of them asks me, 'Hey cracker, pass me some of those Wheat Thins.' to which I reply; 'Hey cracker, you don't get any of those Wheat Thins in MY ride and cracker, you'll have to wait until we get to the beach.'
They then gave me my props and we each went to our vehicles, his a Lexus with gold rims and mine a Surburban with a Ryan Newman NASCAR sticker on the back. Word.
::11/17/2004 03:40:00 PM [+]
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