WAL-MART Diversions
Things To Do At WALMART While Your Friends/Family Take Their Own Sweet Time Christmas Shopping
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, “I think we have a code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M’s on lay away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people leave me alone.”
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible.’
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper “PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!”
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!”
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud…..”Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!”
Legal Notice:
The Jackhole is not actually advocating such behavior at the fine Wal-Mart stores. Such behavior is likely to subject the individual participating in the above activities to contact from the WalMart legal department, and we all know that contact with lawyers is not only hazardous to ones health but is likely to prevent the quiet enjoyment of ones life. Additionally, California has found that laboratory rats subject to prolonged contact with lawyers have exhibited increase cancer rates, as well as suicide rates, despite the similarity of characteristics between the lawyers and the rats.
Furthermore, the Jackhole assumes the readers all have a sense of humor and would never actually contemplate such action. The Jackhole is reasonable in his belief that readers that are shoppers at such a fine store as Wal-Mart MUST have a sense of humor. After all THEY are the ones shopping at Wal-Mart!
Besides, if you’re bad, you never know what Santa will leave you.
