Ramblings of a Jackhole

Lawsuits filed by the overweight against those fast-food restaurants have peaked the interest in a lot of lawyers.

The obese are much easier to chase than ambulances, and some obese need all the money they can get.

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked; “Sir, what will you have?”

The man thought a moment then replied; “A martini please”. The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, “sir, what is your IQ?” The man answered “oh, about 164.”

The robot then proceeded to discuss the ‘theory of relativity’ ‘inter-stellar space travel’ ‘the latest medical break throughs’ etc…….. The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. “A Martini please.”

Again it was superb. The robot again asked “what is your IQ sir?” This tim the man answered , “Oh about 100″. So the robot started discussing NFL football, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Cubbies to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool and again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?” This time the man drawled out ” Uh….. bout 50″..?? The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked;

” A-r-e  Y-o-u  p-e-o-p-l-e  g-o-i-n-g  t-o  n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e  H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?”

Domain names can be get ways to advertise. However, one cannot get a domain name with a space. People have tried, with minimal success to use hypens or Underscores for their domain name but that is confusing for many in their target market. So, simply combine the two or more words of your company’s name or tagline that you’re ready to roll right? Not always. Unfortunately the combined words may be able to be split backup in other ways.

See below.

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs.

1. A site called “Who Represents” where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name. seroiusly. is www.whorepresents.com.

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com. These experts are no fools and have changed to www.experts-exchange.com. However a record of the old site is at The Wayback Machine.
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net.

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Battery company, www.powergenitalia.com. Wisely, they have changed their domain name to www.batterychargerpowergen.it, but the wayback machine maintains a record of the original site.

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com.

7. If you’re looking for computer software to find your Internet Protocol address, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com.

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com. However I view this one as just another means for a church to reach a few more sinners that might be surfing the web.

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky, blinking, and annoying website: www.speedofart.com. Did I mention how annoying this website is for a bunch of supposed “artists”?

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com. Well it is in Nevada after all so the dual meaning may be intentional!

Actual writings from hospital charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Note: Patient recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
4. Patient experiences chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
5. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
6. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed.
7. This patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
8. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-yr. old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
9. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
10. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
11. She is numb from her toes down.
12. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
13. The skin was moist and dry.
14. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
15. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
16. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
17. She stated that she had been constipated most of her life, until she got a divorce.
18. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
19. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
20. Patient has two teen-age children, but no other abnormalities.
21. The patient was circus-sized.

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened
the peephole and asked, “Who’s there?”

“Parcel post, sir. I have a package that needs a signature.”

“Where’s the package?” I asked suspiciously.

The deliveryman held it up.

“Could I see some ID?” I said, still not convinced.

“Buddy,” he replied wearily, “if I wanted to break into your house, I’d probably just use these” and pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, “A lawyer!”

From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns as many other languages have, and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reasoning.
Here are the best submissions:

• SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
• KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
• TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
• HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it … and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
• SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
• WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.
• SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
• COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
• ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
• SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
• HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
• HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
• REMOTE CONTROL – female…Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider that it gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE”.

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The second old guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife looklike?

The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old with red hair, green eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”

In Tuesday’s Wall Street Journal Bernard Lewis wrote about his concern that August 22 might be a day to watch. In particular he states that August 22nd is also the 27th of Rajab, 1427 in the Muslim calander. This date,

by tradition, is the night when many Muslims commemorate the night flight of the prophet Muhammad on the winged horse Buraq, first to “the farthest mosque,” usually identified with Jerusalem, and then to heaven and back (c.f., Koran XVII.1). This might well be deemed an appropriate date for the apocalyptic ending of Israel and if necessary of the world. It is far from certain that Mr. Ahmadinejad plans any such cataclysmic events precisely for Aug. 22. But it would be wise to bear the possibility in mind.

So, is this just another nutcase predicting the end of the world? Not exactly.

First, note that he’s not saying this will be the start of Armageddon with the appearance of Gog and Magog, but it is certainly a date to watch.

Second, this just happens to be the date that Iran’s leader, Mr. Ahmadinejad, stated that he would “give his final answer to the U.S. about nuclear development.”

Third, this guy is not an idiot. Bernard Lewis is Professor Emeritus of Near Eastern Studies at Princeton University, specializing in Musolim history. He has also been an advisor to multiple presidents in the area of the Middle East.

Of course Javier Solana could step in and save the day, but I’ll leaving discussing him for another posting.

So The Jackhole has broken down, dumped Blogger.com and has switched to WordPress.

The import function was a bit tricky from Blogger to Wordpress, but after a few tries, it was successful. The Jackhole is still in the process of updating all of the old posts with pictures to utilize a new picture scheme, likely breaking the links of the wanna be jackholes out there from linking to pictures here for avatars and stealing The Jackhole’s bandwidth. Additionally there is a goal of ensuring every post and page is valid XTHML, but has a way to go that that’s way 100+ posts will be displayed for awhile. Finally, all the popup images will switch to a new method and must be fixed.

So, please be patient! Rome wasn’t built in a day!