Ramblings of a Jackhole

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, “A lawyer!”

From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns as many other languages have, and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reasoning.
Here are the best submissions:

• SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
• KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
• TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
• HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it … and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
• SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
• WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.
• SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
• COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
• ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
• SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
• HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
• HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
• REMOTE CONTROL – female…Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider that it gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE”.

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The second old guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife looklike?

The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old with red hair, green eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”