Ramblings of a Jackhole

Democrats, realizing the big success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have revamped a major portion of the Obama Nationalization of the Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference next week. I, the Jackhole, with my wide resources have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named….

“CASH FOR CODGERS” and it works like this… Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person on the day of delivery. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special “Bonuses” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, – and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, cheese, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via a toxic injection, – similar to that given to the engines of the ‘clunker’ trade ins. This will insure that they like the vehicle ‘clunkers’ are not secretly resold (traded in) or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair and among society.

Judging by this I should be gone soon. I’ll miss you guys…

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning, they told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were lost in Iraq. To everyone’s surprise, all the color drained from Obama’s face.
Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands,  visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, ‘Just how much is a brazilian?’

This shouldn’t surprise us as he clearly has no understanding of how much a trillion is either.

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration.
Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois.
Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature.
Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President.
Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his Inauguration.
Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his Inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States .
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

Scenario: Jack goes duck hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1973 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2007 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1973 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2007 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2007 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1973 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that
she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1973 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1973 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23.

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task — but, he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”

Here it is!

The marketing department of Coke apparently punk’d a few of its in-house attorneys and shared it on You Tube. They had to use in-house counsel as they couldn’t afford outside counsel’s legal bills.

First Punk’d Attorney
Second Punk’d Attorney
Third Punk’d Attorney

Viral marketing is nothing to sneeze at.

There was a tradesman, a painter named Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?” And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…

“Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!

Lawsuits filed by the overweight against those fast-food restaurants have peaked the interest in a lot of lawyers.

The obese are much easier to chase than ambulances, and some obese need all the money they can get.

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked; “Sir, what will you have?”

The man thought a moment then replied; “A martini please”. The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, “sir, what is your IQ?” The man answered “oh, about 164.”

The robot then proceeded to discuss the ‘theory of relativity’ ‘inter-stellar space travel’ ‘the latest medical break throughs’ etc…….. The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. “A Martini please.”

Again it was superb. The robot again asked “what is your IQ sir?” This tim the man answered , “Oh about 100″. So the robot started discussing NFL football, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Cubbies to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool and again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?” This time the man drawled out ” Uh….. bout 50″..?? The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked;

” A-r-e  Y-o-u  p-e-o-p-l-e  g-o-i-n-g  t-o  n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e  H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?”

Domain names can be get ways to advertise. However, one cannot get a domain name with a space. People have tried, with minimal success to use hypens or Underscores for their domain name but that is confusing for many in their target market. So, simply combine the two or more words of your company’s name or tagline that you’re ready to roll right? Not always. Unfortunately the combined words may be able to be split backup in other ways.

See below.

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs.

1. A site called “Who Represents” where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name. seroiusly. is www.whorepresents.com.

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com. These experts are no fools and have changed to www.experts-exchange.com. However a record of the old site is at The Wayback Machine.
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net.

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Battery company, www.powergenitalia.com. Wisely, they have changed their domain name to www.batterychargerpowergen.it, but the wayback machine maintains a record of the original site.

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com.

7. If you’re looking for computer software to find your Internet Protocol address, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com.

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com. However I view this one as just another means for a church to reach a few more sinners that might be surfing the web.

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky, blinking, and annoying website: www.speedofart.com. Did I mention how annoying this website is for a bunch of supposed “artists”?

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com. Well it is in Nevada after all so the dual meaning may be intentional!

Actual writings from hospital charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Note: Patient recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
4. Patient experiences chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
5. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
6. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed.
7. This patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
8. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-yr. old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
9. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
10. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
11. She is numb from her toes down.
12. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
13. The skin was moist and dry.
14. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
15. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
16. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
17. She stated that she had been constipated most of her life, until she got a divorce.
18. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
19. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
20. Patient has two teen-age children, but no other abnormalities.
21. The patient was circus-sized.

There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened
the peephole and asked, “Who’s there?”

“Parcel post, sir. I have a package that needs a signature.”

“Where’s the package?” I asked suspiciously.

The deliveryman held it up.

“Could I see some ID?” I said, still not convinced.

“Buddy,” he replied wearily, “if I wanted to break into your house, I’d probably just use these” and pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, “A lawyer!”

From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns as many other languages have, and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reasoning.
Here are the best submissions:

• SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
• KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
• TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
• HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it … and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
• SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
• WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.
• SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
• COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
• ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
• SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
• HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
• HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
• REMOTE CONTROL – female…Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider that it gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE”.

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The second old guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife looklike?

The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old with red hair, green eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created ice cream and doughnuts. And Satan said, “You want hot fudge with that?” And Man said “Yes!” and Woman said, “I’ll have another with sprinkles.” And lo they gained 10 pounds.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.”

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetable and olive oil in which to lightly saute the wholesome vegetables.”

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut shrimp, chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter and chocolate cheesecake for dessert. And Man’s glucose levels spiked through the roof.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God brought forth lean meat so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger, and said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size ‘em!” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally…

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.