Ramblings of a Jackhole

From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns as many other languages have, and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reasoning.
Here are the best submissions:

• SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
• KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
• TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
• HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it … and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
• SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
• WEB PAGE – female, because it is always getting hit on.
• SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
• COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
• ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
• SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
• HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
• HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
• REMOTE CONTROL – female…Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider that it gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE”.

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The second old guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The first old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife looklike?

The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs old with red hair, green eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”

A British company is developing computer chips that broadcast music in women’s breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!”

I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier obviously staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change.

He examined the bill closelyl, then reached in the drawer and pull out her change. “Here you go,” said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount and then said “Have a great day!”

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill. “I’m sorry, sir. We can’t accept anything larger than a fifty,” he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

“But you just accepted that last girl’s hundred,” I reasoned.

“I had to,” he said. “It had her phone number on it.”

You always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note…these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! JUST SAY IT!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. The next time you’re tempted to say, “Men just don’t get it”, consider this: After seeing what it does to women, who would want it?

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

As reported in The Hearld Sun, the U.S. military is supposedly worked on the idea of a “sex bomb” that would make enemy soldiers irresistible to each other.

Alleged declassified documents, New Scientist magazine, reveal the Pentagon toyed with the idea of an aphrodisiac chemical weapon in 1994.

The gas would have made enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. The weapon’s developers said homosexual behaviour among troops would deal a “distasteful but completely non-lethal” blow to morale.

Of course the chemical composition is still confidential, although my bet is on vaporized Zima.

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks — this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING
This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that
will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and certainly don’t talk, and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.”

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he’ll call, he won’t wait weeks
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to “How big is my behind?”
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge
boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen

Because I’m a Man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I’m a Man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a Man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.

Because I’m a Man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism. (FYI guys – cumin is a spice and tofu is soy bean curds, not the same thing..!)

Because I’m a Man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a Man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator).

Because I’m a Man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going?

Because I’m a Man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, food, fishing, hunting or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so please don’t ask.

Because I’m a Man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I’m a Man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t like it.

Because I’m a Man, when I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without the belt — it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Your butt doesn’t look any bigger in those pants than the other pants. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a Man, and as this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.

And that’s the truth about men.