Ramblings of a Jackhole

Actual writings from hospital charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Note: Patient recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
4. Patient experiences chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
5. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
6. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears depressed.
7. This patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
8. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-yr. old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
9. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
10. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
11. She is numb from her toes down.
12. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
13. The skin was moist and dry.
14. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
15. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
16. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
17. She stated that she had been constipated most of her life, until she got a divorce.
18. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
19. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
20. Patient has two teen-age children, but no other abnormalities.
21. The patient was circus-sized.

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

4. “Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!”

5. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

6. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

7. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

8. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey….”

9. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

10.”If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

11. “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

12. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

13. “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”