Ramblings of a Jackhole

Democrats, realizing the big success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have revamped a major portion of the Obama Nationalization of the Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference next week. I, the Jackhole, with my wide resources have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named….

“CASH FOR CODGERS” and it works like this… Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person on the day of delivery. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special “Bonuses” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, – and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, cheese, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via a toxic injection, – similar to that given to the engines of the ‘clunker’ trade ins. This will insure that they like the vehicle ‘clunkers’ are not secretly resold (traded in) or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair and among society.

Judging by this I should be gone soon. I’ll miss you guys…

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning, they told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were lost in Iraq. To everyone’s surprise, all the color drained from Obama’s face.
Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands,  visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, ‘Just how much is a brazilian?’

This shouldn’t surprise us as he clearly has no understanding of how much a trillion is either.

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration.
Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois.
Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature.
Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President.
Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his Inauguration.
Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his Inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States .
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

Scenario: Jack goes duck hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1973 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2007 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1973 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2007 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2007 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1973 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that
she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1973 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1973 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked; “Sir, what will you have?”

The man thought a moment then replied; “A martini please”. The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, “sir, what is your IQ?” The man answered “oh, about 164.”

The robot then proceeded to discuss the ‘theory of relativity’ ‘inter-stellar space travel’ ‘the latest medical break throughs’ etc…….. The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. “A Martini please.”

Again it was superb. The robot again asked “what is your IQ sir?” This tim the man answered , “Oh about 100″. So the robot started discussing NFL football, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Cubbies to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool and again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?” This time the man drawled out ” Uh….. bout 50″..?? The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked;

” A-r-e  Y-o-u  p-e-o-p-l-e  g-o-i-n-g  t-o  n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e  H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?”

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as “How to Improve Your Business” and “Becoming More Successful.”

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between left and right…

I’d rather go hunting with Dick Chaney
than get a ride from Ted Kennedy.

Press Outraged Over Staged Flagraising
March 3rd, 1945

IWO JIMA (Routers) Controversy has erupted among the press corps in the last
few days as news has spread that the now-famous picture of the “victorious”
flag raising over Iwo Jima a couple weeks ago was staged. Many believe that, as
the huge number of casualties mounted in the ill-fated and pointless invasion
of this tiny island, the Roosevelt administration, desperate for a bit of pro-
war propaganda, arranged to have the photo taken for dissemination to the
world’s news services.

It has been revealed that the picture was actually of a “recreation” of an
earlier flag raising of a much smaller flag, though even that event has now
been cast into doubt by the apparent attempt to mislead the press.

There is abundant evidence that the picture was not only unspontaneous, but
orchestrated on orders from higher ups.

“None of the men in the picture actually carried the flag to the top,” one
reporter noted. “It was brought up by a lieutenant in charge, probably at White
House orders.” In addition, none of the men in the picture had even been
injured in the fighting to that point.

The latest propaganda ploy from the administration comes in the midst of doubts
about the war strategy, with many thinking this latest bloody adventure
particularly misguided. Several thousand Marines have died already in the
invasion, and many more have been injured, many losing limbs. Moreover, despite
the “victory” implied by the “flag raising,” the brave Japanese continue to
resist in caves dug deep into the volcanic rock of the doughty little island,
with continuing “Allied” casualties. One Republican staffer on the Hill
declared that it was Roosevelt’s attempt to prematurely declare “major combat
operations over,” when it was clear that the Japanese were going to continue to
fight on to the last man.

Beyond the distaste at what now seems an obvious public-relations ploy, some
military strategists argue that the Iwo Jima invasion wasn’t worth the cost in
resources and blood, or even necessary at all, since the only reason the island
is desired is as an auxiliary air base for emergency landings of “Allied”
bombers attacking the Japanese homeland.

Some of the anti-war groups are particularly outraged. “We’ve killed tens of
thousands of Japanese soldiers, and several thousand of our own, just so we can
save the lives of a few American air crews while they kill hundreds of
thousands of helpless Japanese civilians,” read a press release from one of the
more prominent groups. It continued, “Now we find the Roosevelt administration
attempting to cover up its criminal actions by staging events meant to hide the
fact that we’re losing this cruel war, with massive casualties on all sides.”

The White House, of course, attempts to defend its actions. A spokesman points
out that no claims have been made that fighting was over, and that the photo
was a depiction of a real event that had occurred shortly before, but not been
captured by the cameras. He also noted that Mount Suribachi was in fact taken
that day, and had not been relinquished since.

This does not satisfy critics in the press or the anti-war movement, however.

“It’s important to demonstrate the perfidy and mendacity of this administration
now,” said one leading spokesman, “before it becomes fixed in the mind of the
public as an American ‘victory,’ or something to be admired and emulated in the
future. If we don’t set the record straight now, who knows how history will
record it? For all we know, they’ll decide to put up a bronze statue in
Arlington to commemorate it, or something.”

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words

The Lord’s Prayer: 66 words

Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words

The 10 Commandments: 179 words

The Gettysburg Address: 286 words

The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words

The Constitution of the United States: 4,428 words

U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words

Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, along with a U.S. Marine assigned to protect them, were hiking through the Iraqi desert one day when they were captured by terrorists. They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the al Qaeda leader in Iraq.

Zarqawi said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?”

Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.” Zarqawi nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”

Peter Jennings said, “I am Canadian, so I’d like to hear the song ‘O Canada’ one last time.” Zarqawi nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Zarqawi turned and said, “And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the rear,” said the Marine.

“What?” asked Zarqawi. “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the rear,” insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the rear.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled out a 9mm pistol hidden in his cammies, and shot Zarqawi dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the remaining terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, they were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Jennings, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the rear?”

“What,” replied the Marine, “and have you jackasses call me the aggressor?”

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, ”I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry.”

The Marine looked at the man and said; ”Sir, Mr. Kerry was not elected President.”

The old man said, ”Okay” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, ”I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry.”

The Marine again told the man, ”Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry was not elected president and does not reside here.”

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying ”I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, ”Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I’ve told you already that Mr. Kerry was not elected president and does not reside here. Don’t you understand?”’

The old man looked at the Marine and said, ”Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, ”See you tomorrow.”

A new bar opened and everyone in town was talking about it. The buzzwas because it had a robot-bartender. One fellow had to see this forhimself, so in he goes and sits at the bar Sure enough, a robot was bartending.

The man orders a drink, and the robot asks him what his IQ is. The manreplies that his IQ is 150. With that, the robot begins discussing nuclear physics, hydrogen power cells, and the current state of the global atmosphere.

This fellow is impressed. He wants to see what happens if he doesn’tclaim to be quite as bright. So, he leaves the bar and comes right back in and sits at the bar.

Again, the robot asks him for his IQ. This time the guy tells him it’s100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball, and the proper way to grill a steak.

Wow, this is amazing and it piques the man’s interest in seeing how good this robot really is. Thus, he leaves and comes back in for a third time. This time he tells the robot that his IQ is 50.

The robot replies: “So, are you Democrats really going to vote for Kerry?”

Below is the first complaint letter regarding my support of George Bush for president.

Dear Mr. Jackhole,

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to do to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.

I just thought you and your readers would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking time to read my letter.

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

Response to Michael “Miserable Failure” Moore’s, “Open Letter to Bill Timmins, President Aladdin Casino and Hotel”

As you most likely know, Michael Moore posted the following letter: After the letter, you will find the response…
——————————————————————————-

Bill Timmins
President Aladdin Casino and Hotel
Las Vegas, NV
July 20, 2004

Dear Mr. Timmins:

I understand from the news reports I’ve read that, after Linda Ronstadt, one of America’s greatest singers, dedicated a song to me from your stage on Saturday night, you instructed your security guards to remove her from the Aladdin, which they did.

What country do you live in? Last time I checked, Las Vegasis still in the United States. And in the United States, we have something called “The First Amendment.” This constitutional right gives everyone here the right to say whatever they want to say. All Americans hold this right as sacred. Many of our young people put on a uniform and risk their lives to defend it. My film is all about asking the questions that should have been asked before those brave soldiers were sent into harms way.

For you to throw Linda Ronstadt off the premises because she dared to say a few words in support of me and my film, is simply stupid and Un-American. Frankly, I have never heard of such a thing happening. I read that you wouldn’t even let her go back up to her room at your hotel! Are you crazy? For crying out loud, it was a song DEDICATION! To “Desperado!” Every American loves that song! Sure, some people didn’t like the dedication, and that’s their right. But neither they nor you have the right to remove her from your building when all she did was exercise her AMERICAN right to speak her mind.

Of all the things that go on in Las Vegas, this is what creates the need for serious action? What about the other half of the crowd at the Aladdin who, according to the Las VegasSun, cheered her when she made her remarks? Did you throw them out, too?

I think you owe Ms. Ronstadt an apology. And I have an idea how you can make it up to her — and to the millions of Americans you have offended. Invite her back and I’ll join her in singing Americathe Beautiful” on your stage. Then I will show “Fahrenheit 9/11″ free of charge to all your guests and anyone else in Las Vegaswho wants to see it.

Mr. Timmins, as the song “Desperado” says — “Come to your senses!” How can you refuse this offer? I await your reply.

Yours,

Michael Moore
Director, “Fahrenheit 9/11″

===============================================
Response
===============================================

July 21, 2004

Attention: Michael Moore,

In response to your letter dated July 20, 2004: You are correct that I had security remove Linda Ronstadt from Aladdin Casino and Hotel where the fun never ends and everybody wins. How very interesting to learn you are such a fan of Ms. Ronstadt.

You questioned where I live and surprisingly knew Las Vegasis in the United States. You should visit it sometime. There are thousands of wonderful ‘All You Can Eat’ buffets.

There are also a lot of casinos who’s owners don’t **** around. I am aware of the First Amendment and you have the right to talk about your hatred of Americabut once you are on my property and you are upsetting my guests, you will quickly learn about my rights.

I can’t remember if it was Jesus or George W. Bush that said, “Freedom is a two-way street.” Ms. Ronstadt learned this long before I had her thrown out of my casino. You question my actions? If you come onto my property and upset my guests, you will receive the same, if not worse, treatment than Ms. Ronstadt received. I am sure your mere presence would upset my guests.

You claim your film, “…is all about asking the questions that should have been asked before those brave soldiers were sent into harms way.” I think you film does nothing but aid the enemy and hurt our troops. You have betrayed our troops, our leader and America. I have no respect for you or your vision of what Americashould be.

I paid Ms. Ronstadt to entertain my guests, not divide them. The half that did not leave probably thought the verse you mentioned, “Why don’t you come to your senses” was addressed to you. Maybe she should have dedicated her song, ‘You’re No Good’ to you. I would have asked her back, had she done that.

Regarding your request for me to apologize to her, have you and her on my stage singing anything about this Country and then playing your piece of **** film is ludicrous!
One of my workers is currently throwing away every complaint letter from brainless followers of you, claiming they will never visit my Casino. I could not be more pleased to know my casino and hotel will always be void of the kind of people who support you. Meanwhile, my hotel has been quickly booked solid for the rest of the year with true Americans who love this Country and support our efforts overseas.

They will see a framed copy of your letter and my response in the lobby to ensure they begin their experience with a laugh.

Sincerely,
Bill Timmins
President Aladdin Casino and Hotel
Las Vegas, NV

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia.

They’re admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. The secret service starts to launch a boat to get the pope’s hat, but Bush waves them off, saying,”Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.”

Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father’s little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back across the water to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning all the networks and newspapers lead with the same headline: “Bush Can’t Swim.”

Catholic Cardinal Calls Kerry ‘A Saint’

Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside Washington, DC as part of his campaign. Kerry’s campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinaland said to him, “We’ve been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry’s position on abortion and the like. We’d gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you’d say JohnKerry is a saint.”

The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it.

Kerry shows up, and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily.”John Kerry is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, a disgrace to his country, and a thief. He is the worst example of a Catholic I’ve ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy, John Kerry is a saint!”

OFFICIAL PROGRAM OF THE 2004 NATIONAL DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION

6:00pm – Opening flag burning ceremony.
6:05pm – Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations
6:10pm – Secular words by Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
6:15pm – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
6:30pm – Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.
6:45pm – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:00pm – Tribute theme to France.
7:10pm – Collect offerings for al-Zawahiri defense fund.
7:15pm – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30pm – Tribute theme to Germany.
7:45pm – Anti-war rally moderated by Michael “Miserable Failure” Moore.
8:25pm – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:30pm – Terrorist appeasement workshop.
9:00pm – Gay marriage ceremony for male and female couples.
9:15pm – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:30pm – CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN urge defeat of President Bush.
10:00pm – Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10pm – Reenactment of Kerry’s fake medal toss.
10:15pm – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:20pm – Cameo by Dean ‘Yeeearrrrrrrg!’
10:30pm – Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.
10:40pm – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:50pm – Special thanks to the New York Times and Washington Post.
11:00pm – Multiple gay marriage ceremony for threesomes and groups.
11:15PM – Maximizing Welfare workshop.
11:30pm – Saddam Legal Defense Fund pep rally.
11:50PM – Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:00pm – Nomination of Democratic candidate.
5:00am – Swimming Class–Ted Kennedy, Instructor
6:00am – Waffles for Breakfast – Chef John Kerry

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible.

After a long search he just couldn’t find any public bathroom to relieve himself.So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

“Look here, old chap, what are you doing?” the officer asked.

“I’m sorry,” the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak.”

“You can’t do that here,” the officer told him. “Look, follow me.”

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

“Here,” said the policeman, “whiz away.”

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. “Ahhh,” he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, “This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?”

“No,” retorted the policeman. “It’s the French Embassy.”