Ramblings of a Jackhole

Democrats, realizing the big success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have revamped a major portion of the Obama Nationalization of the Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference next week. I, the Jackhole, with my wide resources have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named….

“CASH FOR CODGERS” and it works like this… Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person on the day of delivery. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special “Bonuses” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, – and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, cheese, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via a toxic injection, – similar to that given to the engines of the ‘clunker’ trade ins. This will insure that they like the vehicle ‘clunkers’ are not secretly resold (traded in) or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair and among society.

Judging by this I should be gone soon. I’ll miss you guys…

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning, they told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were lost in Iraq. To everyone’s surprise, all the color drained from Obama’s face.
Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands,  visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, ‘Just how much is a brazilian?’

This shouldn’t surprise us as he clearly has no understanding of how much a trillion is either.

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration.
Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois.
Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature.
Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President.
Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his Inauguration.
Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his Inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States .
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe.
Obama is a skinny lawyer.

Scenario: Jack goes duck hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1973 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2007 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1973 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2007 – Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2007 – Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1973 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that
she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1973 – Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1973 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked; “Sir, what will you have?”

The man thought a moment then replied; “A martini please”. The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, “sir, what is your IQ?” The man answered “oh, about 164.”

The robot then proceeded to discuss the ‘theory of relativity’ ‘inter-stellar space travel’ ‘the latest medical break throughs’ etc…….. The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. “A Martini please.”

Again it was superb. The robot again asked “what is your IQ sir?” This tim the man answered , “Oh about 100″. So the robot started discussing NFL football, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Cubbies to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool and again a martini, and the question, “What is your IQ?” This time the man drawled out ” Uh….. bout 50″..?? The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked;

” A-r-e  Y-o-u  p-e-o-p-l-e  g-o-i-n-g  t-o  n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e  H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?”