Ramblings of a Jackhole

Bill, was man was down on his luck and went and prayed to the Lord. He said; “Lord, I just lost my job and I have no idea how I will be able to pay the rent for the apartment for me, my wife and my three kids. If it’s not too much trouble would you PLEASE let me win the lottery this week?”

Well, the week came and went without the man winning the Lottery, so the next week the man comes back to the Lord in prayer and says; “Lord, we’ve now been evicted from our apartment and my wife and three lovely children, my dog Blue and our two cats are living in our van. So, if it’s not too much trouble would you PLEASE let me win the lottery this week?”

Again, the week came and went again without the man winning the Lottery. So the man once again gets down on his knees and prays; “Lord, we’ve now had our van repossess and my wife and three lovely children, my dog Blue and our cats Fluffy and Socks are living under the 8th street bridge. So, if it’s not too much trouble would you PLEASE let me win the lottery this week?”

Suddenly, a booming voice from above says; “Bill. At least meet me half way and BUY A LOTTERY TICKET.”

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.

He said, “God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I am God, I’m still waiting”

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, “Where did you come from, and why did you do that?”

The football player replied, “God was busy; He sent me!”

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.

At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. “Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?” “Hmmm,” replied St. Peter, “I don’t recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let’s take it up with God and see what he says.”

So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”

Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”

And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God’s permission for the third time to marry.

This time God smiled broadly and thundered, “Yes my children, you may marry!”

Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until…

Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that marriage was not what they were made for, and in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.

Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder.

God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared; “Divorce?! It took us ten years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!”

A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little fellow, placed his hand kindheartedly on the child’s shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replied, “Now we run!”

Shortly before Christmas, two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR CHRISTMAS A NEW BICYCLE…
I PRAY FOR CHRISTMAS A NEW NINTENDO…
I PRAY FOR CHRISTMAS A NEW VCR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”